A NEW LiFE

Job:
Still loving the job. I am used to it. It's my second home. My heart is in it now. I love what it does for the community and for the kids/adults that come through. The staff is amazing and is more of a family than co-workers. It's fun and i actually want to go to work.... yeah thats NEVER happened before haha.

Family:
DANIEL IS HOME! I am so happy about that. My heart is more complete. After losing Anjel and Daniel going to TYC it's like our family just went disapeared. So having him back is amazing. But it's also so very scary. I don't want him to go back to his lame friends. He's such a great kid, but way to impressionable. I pray Heavenly Father will continue to take hold in his life. Ugh, i am just so happy he is home. =] My dad is still waiting for his disbilitiy. We don't want him to work. He's hurting way to much. Everything is working out well. We are blessed. Heavely Father is working his wonderful ways through our family and i am so grateful. My kiddos all are glad summer is here and all passed on to the next grades. Lassette is going to be going to Jr. High. UGH IM OLD... ((speaking of Daniel go his GED, So my Daniel boy is class of 2010 WHAT WHAT)). Joseph is getting so dang big and i love him so much. He's looking more and more like Anjel everyday!

Myself:
I've been good. LOVING my new car. It got us through the Midland flood to San Antonio. We saw a few pther mustangs floating and my baby drive right through it! So I told her i would take good care of her and keep her looking good and take her to her check ups! ha Speaking of check ups... I went to the Dr. HORRIBLE experiance. My diabetes has gotten worse. I've been passing out or just been feeling like crap lately. I know i need to take better care of myself and i will. I need to stop being so dang hard headed and realize i am cared for and people do want me around. Life has been good. Very good actually. There's this boy.

Love:
His name is Robbie. He has completely stolen my heart. He has shown me the meaning of what true love is. He has shown me how i should be treated. how i should be loved. That just because i may have been treated a certain way by worthless human beings before doesn't mean that's how every guy is going to treat me, how i am supposed to be treated. He tells me he won't let me go because he knows what he has and that he can't beleive other guys were so stupid to let me go. The way he looks into my eyes. He sends me flowers! ha... the last one for sure didn't. He truly is my PRINCE. Everything i could ever ask for. I lowered my standards before. i setteled. I just wanted whatever i could get. I kept telling myself the fighting was ok, that once we got married it would all stop. That's when i thank Heavenly Father for Him NOT answering my prayers.

I have the man of my dreams. I am so in love.

Everything is truly falling into place.

Light

Another update.. i wonder if y'all actually read this. but it gives me something to do. so i welcome nosiness =]

WORK:
Still loving this job. More responsibilites have come, of course. But nothing i can't handle =] The people here are fun and i just love ow laid back it is. im on my thrid week here and ive never felt like the newbie. I was welcomed right off the bat. i was never nervous...that has to be a good sign right?

HOME/FAMILY:
Everything is great at home. We didn't get Jospeh much this past week. My aunt Josie came down and she got my uncle Leroy. It was nice having them for the few days. My dad has been having alot of knee problems but actually has been going to the doctor, but that scares me.. if he's actually going to the doctor.. it must be a pretty bad pain =[. Hopefully the pills he has now will help. This weekend my mom and neice and myself went shopping...at the mall. Yeah my mom doesnt do the mall so that was fun. i got the cutest heels.. I will premiere them Sunday =] I love my family and how they love me.

FRIENDS:
I got the BEST complimet ever. Chris and Aroyn come by my work to pick up some things and he said Crystal, I haven't seen you in awhile, but you have a brighter light, you seem more happy." Um hello.. best ever. That almost made me cry and put this huge smile on my face. For someone to notice that wow.. I didnt know my light was dim...But im glad its brighter and i want to continue to make it better. Friends are amazing. I went to Brittneys shower and that was so much fun. The girls are crazy and i had a blast.

SELF:
I'm constantly finding things out about myself.. Good and bad. It's like i fix or start working on one thing and out pops another. But thats okay. i need to become to person i want to be. I do need to fix myself and love myself. The saying..you cant love someone else if you dont love yourself first.. as hard as it is for me to say.. its true. Like Bro. Russell said on sunday, love others as you love yourself.. but what if i dont have much love for myself so how can i love someone else more? You cant. I love everyone. But am i truly loving them as much as i can/could? I need to stop focusing on the bad, and honestly i think i have gotten better. I smile so much more. I get excited just because. I love life now and i havent in awhile. Heavenly Father made me. How can something he made..be so bad? He didn't make a mistake with me, I'm being crafted to be the best me. Im finally letting HIM do the work and not trying to be superwoman.

CHURCH:
HA, i'm going! No but really, I've always gone to sacrament meeting... and when i got my calling in primary i went bc.. i HAD to ;) but once i was released.. i always skipped out on sunday school, and sometimes Relief society.. But i've been going! And i've learned so much. I am truly seeing the blessings of going. ITs so amazing. And Institute... Ive been going to that also.. by myself. Before it was a social thing but now its not and im actually learning stuff. I love it =] Now to work on going to FHE, and some other personal things... and it'll be all good ;)

Things overall are looking up and im moving forward. I have no complaints right now. Im excited for my future =]

UPDATE!

Well, I GOT A JOB, and i freakin' LOVE it!
The people are amazing, fun, nice, and so laid back.
Thanks Kenzi for putting in the good words =] I owe ya one.

I work at the Palmer Drug Abuse Program or PDAP for short. They do amazing things. I am super interested in becoming an EYL (Extreme Youth Leadership)Lets see... I do all the up front stuff, answer phones, do the mail, organize community service, register people for classes, take care of the contributions made to the program, etc. I'm sure my duties will expand the longer i'm here! I am perfectly okay with that! The pay is better than what i was getting a Dr. Gadasalli's office which is good, but lame b/c i went to college to do what i did at the Doc's office, yet got paid less than i do working in an office atmosphere. After my 90 days, my pay will increase!! Which is always good right?!?! hahaha

Friends, I always knew i had awesome friends, but wow. I may not have alot of close friends, but the ones i do have are amazing and bless my life so much. Seriously. I'm so lucky to have them. I know I'll always have a shoulder to cry on, someone to shop with, someone to talk to, someone to do anything i want or need to do with. Not jsut hey lets hang out.. heck i have tons of those "friends" but people that truly care for ME and MY happiness, not what they can get from me to make them happy. So to those people...thank you and i love you.

My parents.. Just thinking of them puts that i wanna cry feeling in my throat. They go above and beyond to make me happy. It saddeness me that i never really realized how much they do care, and love me. I mean of course... im 24 still living at home with them things get crazy and we all need some space lol but they NEVER stopped nor will stop loving for me and ONLY wanting the best. As long as i am happy..thats all that matters. They dont tell me who i can or cant be with, hang out with... what i can or cant do. They raised me, and instilled good morals, they raised me in a strong faith of the Lord and have never discouraged my new faith. They continue to see the change that it is making. To see them take care of their grandchildren when many grandparents wouldnt do so is inspiring. They arent perfect by any means but they are amazing and loving and UNDERSTANDING, and i truly could not ask for more.

Guys- im not looking for anything serious but would like to find someone to have fun with and i think the guy that im "talking" to now is perfect for that.

The counseling im getting is wonderful. He says sometimes that im moving passed things TOO quickly, but i just noticed how bad i became and realized how i completely changed and wanted to be myself again. I dont think im moving to fast, just ready for the next challenge. I keep telling my family and ppl ive hurt that i want to show them the real me, but i need to be me first. And thats the hardest part. I dont know what that is anymore. after high school family drama doubled, then tripled, and its like every year got worse and worse and i become so involved in what they needed and how as a family to get better and then turning all the attention to Anjel, to losing Anjel...ugh Crystal left and got lost. I dont regret turning all my attention to my family, i dont regret giving up scholarships, or going to UT, i honestly dont, if at all, i regret not spending every single day i had with Anjel. But with that, He is gone and i cant do anything else. I cant replace him, I cant fill that whole. it left when he did but i can make sure everything else is full.

My self worth issues.. oh goodness, i think this will be the biggest issue. i cant take a compliment. its ard to be excited about losing the weight i have lost, bc im still not those pretty size 2 girls. but the thing is.. ill NEVER want to be that small. And its hard to take compliments and be happy when i still hear how PRETTY i am when i hear my friends being called BEAUTIFUL. like no matter what ill never be the beautiful girl, just the pretty one. When shopping.. do i go to the plus size or the "skinny" side. and when i go to the skinny side i still have to get the L or XL to sometimes have it not fit then tread to the "big" side to have the smallest size be too big. Then looking in the mirror and still seeing the 300lb girl then having to do double take in recent pictures or being so surprised when i look at old ones and see how big i really was.

overall, i am HAPPY. and nothing or anyone is making me happy. im just happy. and i havent been this type of happy in a very very long time. Heavenly Father's love is just so amazing and when you truly believe HE loves you so much, you do feel it.

I want to say thank you to people that are happy for me. That have prayed for me, listened to me, and that love me.

I only need people that need me. If that's not you, then dont bother with me. If you want me as a friend then care and be a friend. Want the best for me, like i want the best for you.

You're to pretty..

for him, anyway.





I think i've heard that a million times since the break up. But i have no idea how to take that..



Thanks?

Oh, I know?

Why wasn't that said WHILE i was with him?

No i'm not.

E tc.



This whole thing has been a roller coaster. Most days i feel more free to be me, not some version a guy wants me to be. but those other days... i think of how i couldve been different, and that maybe, i'd still be with him.



I am very blessed at the support i have. Kind've surprised, but then not surprised at all. Having amazing wonderful spiritual people tell me i can and will do so much better is uplifting.

I HAVE to put the past out of my head. The furture is mine and i have to take advantage of that. Obstacles will always be placed in fromt of me. I've survived this long why let go now.

This are falling into place, of course, more slowly than i'd like, but they are falling into place. Things will be amazing. And all of you who have continued to stick by me while be on top with me.

To those who doubt, and to those that have left me... i'll wave down from the top =]

PUSH

i think i've hit a small bump. as i started cleanign my room so many memories have come back. all memories. seeing how happy i was in high school. how many amazing friends i had. seeing random pictures of people i am now closer to than before. and even how much different i look now.

then taking pictures down from my walls. changing out pictures in those frames.

its time to move on from everything. i am a new person. sometimes memories hold us back. and i need to shed those things.

i know im going to be strong. im going to be fine. dont worry about this heart of mine.

and its amazing how music helps us. i dont think ive turned my tv on in a week...





i just need help. i need time. i have to let go! Heavenly Father will guide me. i need to stop guiding myself.

=[

my heart hurts. please make it stop.

Marilyn Monroe

* It's better to be unhappy alone, than unhappy with someone else.

* I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. * MY LIFE QUOTE*

* I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

*Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

*When it comes down to it, i let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what i do, then i'm already better than them.

*Beneath the makeup, and behind the smile, i am just a girl that wishes for the world.

*Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.




oh this women was a genius lol.

Taking a step forward.

...the answers are within you. Youre chasing in the wrong field. What you are looking for is inside of you not 'out there'. Take a few days off to become quiet and look within and you will find it.

I got this sent to my phone today. It's a facebook application that a friend had sent to me. but WOW. Its so amazing how Heavenly Father knows us and reaches us. But its up to us to take it as something and run with it. and i think i did.

I know i said all these things in the last post and i mean everything i said but it doesnt make it easy, i just know something clicked inside of me and now its up to me to run with it.

I have to make these things happen because no one else will. I was given talents and i have to find them and use them. All i can ask for is guidance and strength.

I also realized today my true friends. How blessed i am to have those special, certain people in my life. They have constantly told me i deserve so much more and i do. i really do. i just dont understand why i cant get it. why i dont believe it just yet.

just fyi... theres more than just the break up going on. no boy will make me this crazy lol.

like i told Ginny... i keep getting pushed down and thats ok bc i will get up, i just feel i never get a chance to get up. i keep getting kicked while im down and its just hard.


bare with me. pray for me. ill do the rest.

What i've learned.

Seeing my sister this weekend totally helped me. We talked fo awhile and she reminded me of who i am, what i'm about, and what i stand for, and that nothing nor anyone should change that. She asked me what has come easy for our family and i said nothing. she nodded. Nothing has come easy... my family has worked and fought and struggled for all we have and have accomplished and i'm not ashamed of that. God has always been our sanity and love has been our glue. She also reminded me of what i have accomplished. The things she has dreamed for me, The things ive done that no one else in my family has done, and most importantly, what i have accomplished that i dreamed for myself. And that just bc my list isnt completely checked off yet, i should be pleased with myself and to keep going forward.

Our family is a tower of big strong blocks, and we are standing high. It may not be straight but we are standing. But without me it will fall. No matter how strong that tower is now, it will fall without me. I lost sight of that. I was so ready to start my own tower/family i forgot that i just needed to find the right block to add to ours. I was trying to force something that didn't fit, whether it's not the right time, or becuase truly it wasn't right. Why push something that didn't fit? i might have been able to make it fit for awhile, but all it did was fall down. I tried so hard, to make that fir, then i tried to make myself sit into a situation i wasn't comfortable in... but why? i'm so good at being me. Why try to change, if it wasn't a change for the right reasons?

I was lost and just found the right path again.It's gonna take time finding where exactly i need to be but i will find it. I have choices ahead of me and im excited fro them. Going back to school... moving away with a good friend... getting the car of my dreams... This year will be MY year. not bc "its in my cards" but bc i will make it my year. I sat in pity, anger, and sadness for an entire year and im done. It was completely sickning and im not doing it anymore. Thats not me at all. I was always the one full of faith, always hoping for the best, never giving up, seeing the glass half FULL. I changed. I became the worst version of myself, and it was disgusting. //im very sorry i brought someone down with me. To you, i am sorry. You deserved the best version of me and i hope to show you that. Dont get me wrong, i still very much believe in the saying : " If you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best." But i dont know if i showed you any form of my best when you did try to take me at my worst. Im going to find my faith in everything again. I cant take a pill and and be my best me overnight but i'll fake it til i make it.
ok noy really the fake part, but y'all get me right?

i have to stop thinking Anjel was taken from me, but placed in a better place for me to rejoin him later. I was the one he looked to for faith, hope, prayer, and inspiration. He always looked up to me and wanted to accomplish things i have.. Why am i failing him now? Why fail the rest of my family? I have to show them the faith i have bc who else will? Whos going to show them and tell them about the gospel? I am. If i truly have a testiomny of the gospel, of our AMAZING Heavenly Father, and Savior..why am i acting the way i am? Why am i sitting in my own pity pool? Goodness not anymore. I cant do it anymore. That crap is done. It was slowly killing me. A slow angry sad death. Heck i wouldnt want me.

Its going to be hard. Moving on from a break up from someone who i truly gave my ENTIRE heart to, and moving on from the passing of my nephew. Anjel knows i love him and will never forget him. Now i need to express that, let go of the hurt, for myself. Anjel doesnt want me this way, and i know Curtis doesnt either. I will be better. For myself. This is my year.

the next guy to win my heart will be a very lucky man. No doubt.






**and if it's meant to be, we will be together again. But i cant and wont wait for that. I WILL BE BLESSED IN EVERYTHING I NEED IN MY RIGHT TIME.***

I love boys who sparkle

sitting here watching Twilight with Marissa (her first time.. FINALLY) i am reminded how i want my own Edward, and how i do Deserve someone to love me that much.





its not about how he sparkles, although it's pretty dang awesome, it's his love for her. That she becomes his world. That love, omg. I deserve that type of love.

I will get that love. <3.

Alicia Keys - Try sleeping with a Broken Heart

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart

well you can try sleeping in my bed

lonely, only, no one ever shut it down like you

you wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven bound

why don't you hold me, need me, thought you told me

you'd never leave me

Looking in the sky i can see your face

and i knew right where i'd fit in

take me, make me

you know i'll always be in love with you

right til the end

so tonight i'm gonna find a way to make it without you

tonight i'm going to find a way to make it without you

i'm going to hold onto the times we had

tonight i'm going to find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start

it's about to fall apart

so rather than hold on to a broken dream

or just hold onto love

and i could find a way to make it

don't hold on too tight

i'll make it without you tonight

DESERVE

i deserve respect.
i deserve love.
i deserve trust.
i deserve truth.
i deserve time.
i deserve hugs.
i deserve kisses.
i deserve my hand being held.
i deserve to be taken out.
i deserve to be listened to.
i deserve to be heard.
i deserve to be understood.
i deserve friendship.
i deserve fun.
i deserve honor.
i deserve my prince.
i deserve to act like a princess.
i deserve to be treated like a princess.
i deserve HAPPINESS.
i deserve a man, not a boy.
i deserve a man who will take me to the temple.
i deserve a man who will put me in his life.
i deserve a man who will love me for my past struggles.
i deserve a man who will make me a better person.
i deserve FORGIVENESS.
i deserve to laugh, not cry.
i deserve a man who will live for me, and the life i will live with him.
i deserve surprises.
i deserve family time.
i deserve everything i need.
i deserve better than you.

Moving on

It's a new year and already have had so much happen....

this will be random and i will write what comes to mind as it comes to mind so bare with me. =]

"stupid girl, ive should have known, i should have known. im not a princess this aint a fairytale. im not the one youll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. this aint hollywood, this is a small town..."

Lost love:
Curtis and I once again broke up. But this was final. I wrote release the detail.. just yet lol but i was basically shuned out from his mom and that was the last straw. His mother means the most to him, and he will not marry a women his mother didn't like. (not like me, i know! i dont know what i did wrong, but oh well...) and thats when this huge feeling of moving on, breaking up, came over me. i went to my mom to find strength. she reminded me i am an AYALA and we are strong and NO BOY should ever hurt me this much. That love shouldnt be what we had. **I'm not placing all blame on him or anyone else** I said what i had to say, he didnt like it so i opened my front door.

i may have been the one to let go first, but i know im the one hurting the most. and that hurts more than anything i went through during the relationship.

He's done. hes made it clear to me, and others. and it sucks but i will not chase him. if he couldnt handle me, at my worst... he does not deserve me at my best...


" i was a dreamer before you went a let me down, now its too late for you and your white horse"

MY BEST:
i got a counselor/consultant. I do need help. im not some psycho suicudal person, but i do have issuses that need to be taken care of. Anjels passing flipped my world upside down, then it was shaken, then stomped on. then events throughout the year spilled alcohol on the cuts and things were non stop. i never had a chance to heal bc anytime i mentioned it... i had to stop. i should be over it. **Hes in a better place...** blah blah effin blah. i know that ive always knew that/ but that doesnt take away the pain. and im sick of hearing it. ill never be the same. when he left a peice of me went with him. everyone please realize that. But i will be happy again. i will be my best again.

MY FAMILY:
wow, if i felt that i wasnt ever blessed before i was blind and naive. i have such an amazing family. they may not be members but i was raised with such faith and spirituality and hope and love that i am so blessed. they have never left my side when i needed it. like now, wow. And my daddy. I have the best daddy in the world. he will and has done everything in his power to keep a smile on my face. to make sure his baby girl is happy. even kleeping hi mouth closed when his daughter was in love with someone who didnt deserve her. my mom having her shoulder ready for me when i wake up crying. and having the bat ready if she needed to kick butt =] even my nephew daniel reasurring me on the next lucky boy who gets to call me his girlfriend.

FRIENDS:
it's amazing the people that come forth when you have a problem or are in a crisis and the people that dont. the ones that have shown me i mean something to you, thanks. to the rest, hope you have soeone in your life when your happy dandy life falls. no ones life is perfect and everyone will need someone at some point. dont forget to return the favor.

imma move on. with or without him. wether this wasnt our time or our love ran out. i am an AYALA and this will not break me. im going for a ride... things will change for me and my future...and some MAN will appreciate the crap ive gone through and love me for it. and he will be the lucky one to have me at my best.

"im not your princess this aint our fairytale, im gonna find someone someday that might actually treat me well... now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now."