What i've learned.

Seeing my sister this weekend totally helped me. We talked fo awhile and she reminded me of who i am, what i'm about, and what i stand for, and that nothing nor anyone should change that. She asked me what has come easy for our family and i said nothing. she nodded. Nothing has come easy... my family has worked and fought and struggled for all we have and have accomplished and i'm not ashamed of that. God has always been our sanity and love has been our glue. She also reminded me of what i have accomplished. The things she has dreamed for me, The things ive done that no one else in my family has done, and most importantly, what i have accomplished that i dreamed for myself. And that just bc my list isnt completely checked off yet, i should be pleased with myself and to keep going forward.

Our family is a tower of big strong blocks, and we are standing high. It may not be straight but we are standing. But without me it will fall. No matter how strong that tower is now, it will fall without me. I lost sight of that. I was so ready to start my own tower/family i forgot that i just needed to find the right block to add to ours. I was trying to force something that didn't fit, whether it's not the right time, or becuase truly it wasn't right. Why push something that didn't fit? i might have been able to make it fit for awhile, but all it did was fall down. I tried so hard, to make that fir, then i tried to make myself sit into a situation i wasn't comfortable in... but why? i'm so good at being me. Why try to change, if it wasn't a change for the right reasons?

I was lost and just found the right path again.It's gonna take time finding where exactly i need to be but i will find it. I have choices ahead of me and im excited fro them. Going back to school... moving away with a good friend... getting the car of my dreams... This year will be MY year. not bc "its in my cards" but bc i will make it my year. I sat in pity, anger, and sadness for an entire year and im done. It was completely sickning and im not doing it anymore. Thats not me at all. I was always the one full of faith, always hoping for the best, never giving up, seeing the glass half FULL. I changed. I became the worst version of myself, and it was disgusting. //im very sorry i brought someone down with me. To you, i am sorry. You deserved the best version of me and i hope to show you that. Dont get me wrong, i still very much believe in the saying : " If you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best." But i dont know if i showed you any form of my best when you did try to take me at my worst. Im going to find my faith in everything again. I cant take a pill and and be my best me overnight but i'll fake it til i make it.
ok noy really the fake part, but y'all get me right?

i have to stop thinking Anjel was taken from me, but placed in a better place for me to rejoin him later. I was the one he looked to for faith, hope, prayer, and inspiration. He always looked up to me and wanted to accomplish things i have.. Why am i failing him now? Why fail the rest of my family? I have to show them the faith i have bc who else will? Whos going to show them and tell them about the gospel? I am. If i truly have a testiomny of the gospel, of our AMAZING Heavenly Father, and Savior..why am i acting the way i am? Why am i sitting in my own pity pool? Goodness not anymore. I cant do it anymore. That crap is done. It was slowly killing me. A slow angry sad death. Heck i wouldnt want me.

Its going to be hard. Moving on from a break up from someone who i truly gave my ENTIRE heart to, and moving on from the passing of my nephew. Anjel knows i love him and will never forget him. Now i need to express that, let go of the hurt, for myself. Anjel doesnt want me this way, and i know Curtis doesnt either. I will be better. For myself. This is my year.

the next guy to win my heart will be a very lucky man. No doubt.






**and if it's meant to be, we will be together again. But i cant and wont wait for that. I WILL BE BLESSED IN EVERYTHING I NEED IN MY RIGHT TIME.***