for him, anyway.
I think i've heard that a million times since the break up. But i have no idea how to take that..
Thanks?
Oh, I know?
Why wasn't that said WHILE i was with him?
No i'm not.
E tc.
This whole thing has been a roller coaster. Most days i feel more free to be me, not some version a guy wants me to be. but those other days... i think of how i couldve been different, and that maybe, i'd still be with him.
I am very blessed at the support i have. Kind've surprised, but then not surprised at all. Having amazing wonderful spiritual people tell me i can and will do so much better is uplifting.
I HAVE to put the past out of my head. The furture is mine and i have to take advantage of that. Obstacles will always be placed in fromt of me. I've survived this long why let go now.
This are falling into place, of course, more slowly than i'd like, but they are falling into place. Things will be amazing. And all of you who have continued to stick by me while be on top with me.
To those who doubt, and to those that have left me... i'll wave down from the top =]
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
PUSH
i think i've hit a small bump. as i started cleanign my room so many memories have come back. all memories. seeing how happy i was in high school. how many amazing friends i had. seeing random pictures of people i am now closer to than before. and even how much different i look now.
then taking pictures down from my walls. changing out pictures in those frames.
its time to move on from everything. i am a new person. sometimes memories hold us back. and i need to shed those things.
i know im going to be strong. im going to be fine. dont worry about this heart of mine.
and its amazing how music helps us. i dont think ive turned my tv on in a week...
i just need help. i need time. i have to let go! Heavenly Father will guide me. i need to stop guiding myself.
then taking pictures down from my walls. changing out pictures in those frames.
its time to move on from everything. i am a new person. sometimes memories hold us back. and i need to shed those things.
i know im going to be strong. im going to be fine. dont worry about this heart of mine.
and its amazing how music helps us. i dont think ive turned my tv on in a week...
i just need help. i need time. i have to let go! Heavenly Father will guide me. i need to stop guiding myself.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Marilyn Monroe
* It's better to be unhappy alone, than unhappy with someone else.
* I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. * MY LIFE QUOTE*
* I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
*Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
*When it comes down to it, i let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what i do, then i'm already better than them.
*Beneath the makeup, and behind the smile, i am just a girl that wishes for the world.
*Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
oh this women was a genius lol.
* I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. * MY LIFE QUOTE*
* I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
*Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
*When it comes down to it, i let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what i do, then i'm already better than them.
*Beneath the makeup, and behind the smile, i am just a girl that wishes for the world.
*Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
oh this women was a genius lol.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Taking a step forward.
...the answers are within you. Youre chasing in the wrong field. What you are looking for is inside of you not 'out there'. Take a few days off to become quiet and look within and you will find it.
I got this sent to my phone today. It's a facebook application that a friend had sent to me. but WOW. Its so amazing how Heavenly Father knows us and reaches us. But its up to us to take it as something and run with it. and i think i did.
I know i said all these things in the last post and i mean everything i said but it doesnt make it easy, i just know something clicked inside of me and now its up to me to run with it.
I have to make these things happen because no one else will. I was given talents and i have to find them and use them. All i can ask for is guidance and strength.
I also realized today my true friends. How blessed i am to have those special, certain people in my life. They have constantly told me i deserve so much more and i do. i really do. i just dont understand why i cant get it. why i dont believe it just yet.
just fyi... theres more than just the break up going on. no boy will make me this crazy lol.
like i told Ginny... i keep getting pushed down and thats ok bc i will get up, i just feel i never get a chance to get up. i keep getting kicked while im down and its just hard.
bare with me. pray for me. ill do the rest.
I got this sent to my phone today. It's a facebook application that a friend had sent to me. but WOW. Its so amazing how Heavenly Father knows us and reaches us. But its up to us to take it as something and run with it. and i think i did.
I know i said all these things in the last post and i mean everything i said but it doesnt make it easy, i just know something clicked inside of me and now its up to me to run with it.
I have to make these things happen because no one else will. I was given talents and i have to find them and use them. All i can ask for is guidance and strength.
I also realized today my true friends. How blessed i am to have those special, certain people in my life. They have constantly told me i deserve so much more and i do. i really do. i just dont understand why i cant get it. why i dont believe it just yet.
just fyi... theres more than just the break up going on. no boy will make me this crazy lol.
like i told Ginny... i keep getting pushed down and thats ok bc i will get up, i just feel i never get a chance to get up. i keep getting kicked while im down and its just hard.
bare with me. pray for me. ill do the rest.
Monday, January 18, 2010
What i've learned.
Seeing my sister this weekend totally helped me. We talked fo awhile and she reminded me of who i am, what i'm about, and what i stand for, and that nothing nor anyone should change that. She asked me what has come easy for our family and i said nothing. she nodded. Nothing has come easy... my family has worked and fought and struggled for all we have and have accomplished and i'm not ashamed of that. God has always been our sanity and love has been our glue. She also reminded me of what i have accomplished. The things she has dreamed for me, The things ive done that no one else in my family has done, and most importantly, what i have accomplished that i dreamed for myself. And that just bc my list isnt completely checked off yet, i should be pleased with myself and to keep going forward.
Our family is a tower of big strong blocks, and we are standing high. It may not be straight but we are standing. But without me it will fall. No matter how strong that tower is now, it will fall without me. I lost sight of that. I was so ready to start my own tower/family i forgot that i just needed to find the right block to add to ours. I was trying to force something that didn't fit, whether it's not the right time, or becuase truly it wasn't right. Why push something that didn't fit? i might have been able to make it fit for awhile, but all it did was fall down. I tried so hard, to make that fir, then i tried to make myself sit into a situation i wasn't comfortable in... but why? i'm so good at being me. Why try to change, if it wasn't a change for the right reasons?
I was lost and just found the right path again.It's gonna take time finding where exactly i need to be but i will find it. I have choices ahead of me and im excited fro them. Going back to school... moving away with a good friend... getting the car of my dreams... This year will be MY year. not bc "its in my cards" but bc i will make it my year. I sat in pity, anger, and sadness for an entire year and im done. It was completely sickning and im not doing it anymore. Thats not me at all. I was always the one full of faith, always hoping for the best, never giving up, seeing the glass half FULL. I changed. I became the worst version of myself, and it was disgusting. //im very sorry i brought someone down with me. To you, i am sorry. You deserved the best version of me and i hope to show you that. Dont get me wrong, i still very much believe in the saying : " If you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best." But i dont know if i showed you any form of my best when you did try to take me at my worst. Im going to find my faith in everything again. I cant take a pill and and be my best me overnight but i'll fake it til i make it.
ok noy really the fake part, but y'all get me right?
i have to stop thinking Anjel was taken from me, but placed in a better place for me to rejoin him later. I was the one he looked to for faith, hope, prayer, and inspiration. He always looked up to me and wanted to accomplish things i have.. Why am i failing him now? Why fail the rest of my family? I have to show them the faith i have bc who else will? Whos going to show them and tell them about the gospel? I am. If i truly have a testiomny of the gospel, of our AMAZING Heavenly Father, and Savior..why am i acting the way i am? Why am i sitting in my own pity pool? Goodness not anymore. I cant do it anymore. That crap is done. It was slowly killing me. A slow angry sad death. Heck i wouldnt want me.
Its going to be hard. Moving on from a break up from someone who i truly gave my ENTIRE heart to, and moving on from the passing of my nephew. Anjel knows i love him and will never forget him. Now i need to express that, let go of the hurt, for myself. Anjel doesnt want me this way, and i know Curtis doesnt either. I will be better. For myself. This is my year.
the next guy to win my heart will be a very lucky man. No doubt.
**and if it's meant to be, we will be together again. But i cant and wont wait for that. I WILL BE BLESSED IN EVERYTHING I NEED IN MY RIGHT TIME.***
Our family is a tower of big strong blocks, and we are standing high. It may not be straight but we are standing. But without me it will fall. No matter how strong that tower is now, it will fall without me. I lost sight of that. I was so ready to start my own tower/family i forgot that i just needed to find the right block to add to ours. I was trying to force something that didn't fit, whether it's not the right time, or becuase truly it wasn't right. Why push something that didn't fit? i might have been able to make it fit for awhile, but all it did was fall down. I tried so hard, to make that fir, then i tried to make myself sit into a situation i wasn't comfortable in... but why? i'm so good at being me. Why try to change, if it wasn't a change for the right reasons?
I was lost and just found the right path again.It's gonna take time finding where exactly i need to be but i will find it. I have choices ahead of me and im excited fro them. Going back to school... moving away with a good friend... getting the car of my dreams... This year will be MY year. not bc "its in my cards" but bc i will make it my year. I sat in pity, anger, and sadness for an entire year and im done. It was completely sickning and im not doing it anymore. Thats not me at all. I was always the one full of faith, always hoping for the best, never giving up, seeing the glass half FULL. I changed. I became the worst version of myself, and it was disgusting. //im very sorry i brought someone down with me. To you, i am sorry. You deserved the best version of me and i hope to show you that. Dont get me wrong, i still very much believe in the saying : " If you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best." But i dont know if i showed you any form of my best when you did try to take me at my worst. Im going to find my faith in everything again. I cant take a pill and and be my best me overnight but i'll fake it til i make it.
ok noy really the fake part, but y'all get me right?
i have to stop thinking Anjel was taken from me, but placed in a better place for me to rejoin him later. I was the one he looked to for faith, hope, prayer, and inspiration. He always looked up to me and wanted to accomplish things i have.. Why am i failing him now? Why fail the rest of my family? I have to show them the faith i have bc who else will? Whos going to show them and tell them about the gospel? I am. If i truly have a testiomny of the gospel, of our AMAZING Heavenly Father, and Savior..why am i acting the way i am? Why am i sitting in my own pity pool? Goodness not anymore. I cant do it anymore. That crap is done. It was slowly killing me. A slow angry sad death. Heck i wouldnt want me.
Its going to be hard. Moving on from a break up from someone who i truly gave my ENTIRE heart to, and moving on from the passing of my nephew. Anjel knows i love him and will never forget him. Now i need to express that, let go of the hurt, for myself. Anjel doesnt want me this way, and i know Curtis doesnt either. I will be better. For myself. This is my year.
the next guy to win my heart will be a very lucky man. No doubt.
**and if it's meant to be, we will be together again. But i cant and wont wait for that. I WILL BE BLESSED IN EVERYTHING I NEED IN MY RIGHT TIME.***
Friday, January 15, 2010
I love boys who sparkle
sitting here watching Twilight with Marissa (her first time.. FINALLY) i am reminded how i want my own Edward, and how i do Deserve someone to love me that much.
its not about how he sparkles, although it's pretty dang awesome, it's his love for her. That she becomes his world. That love, omg. I deserve that type of love.
its not about how he sparkles, although it's pretty dang awesome, it's his love for her. That she becomes his world. That love, omg. I deserve that type of love.
I will get that love. <3.
Alicia Keys - Try sleeping with a Broken Heart
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart
well you can try sleeping in my bed
lonely, only, no one ever shut it down like you
you wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven bound
why don't you hold me, need me, thought you told me
you'd never leave me
Looking in the sky i can see your face
and i knew right where i'd fit in
take me, make me
you know i'll always be in love with you
right til the end
so tonight i'm gonna find a way to make it without you
tonight i'm going to find a way to make it without you
i'm going to hold onto the times we had
tonight i'm going to find a way to make it without you
Anybody could have told you right from the start
it's about to fall apart
so rather than hold on to a broken dream
or just hold onto love
and i could find a way to make it
don't hold on too tight
i'll make it without you tonight
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
DESERVE
i deserve respect.
i deserve love.
i deserve trust.
i deserve truth.
i deserve time.
i deserve hugs.
i deserve kisses.
i deserve my hand being held.
i deserve to be taken out.
i deserve to be listened to.
i deserve to be heard.
i deserve to be understood.
i deserve friendship.
i deserve fun.
i deserve honor.
i deserve my prince.
i deserve to act like a princess.
i deserve to be treated like a princess.
i deserve HAPPINESS.
i deserve a man, not a boy.
i deserve a man who will take me to the temple.
i deserve a man who will put me in his life.
i deserve a man who will love me for my past struggles.
i deserve a man who will make me a better person.
i deserve FORGIVENESS.
i deserve to laugh, not cry.
i deserve a man who will live for me, and the life i will live with him.
i deserve surprises.
i deserve family time.
i deserve everything i need.
i deserve better than you.
i deserve love.
i deserve trust.
i deserve truth.
i deserve time.
i deserve hugs.
i deserve kisses.
i deserve my hand being held.
i deserve to be taken out.
i deserve to be listened to.
i deserve to be heard.
i deserve to be understood.
i deserve friendship.
i deserve fun.
i deserve honor.
i deserve my prince.
i deserve to act like a princess.
i deserve to be treated like a princess.
i deserve HAPPINESS.
i deserve a man, not a boy.
i deserve a man who will take me to the temple.
i deserve a man who will put me in his life.
i deserve a man who will love me for my past struggles.
i deserve a man who will make me a better person.
i deserve FORGIVENESS.
i deserve to laugh, not cry.
i deserve a man who will live for me, and the life i will live with him.
i deserve surprises.
i deserve family time.
i deserve everything i need.
i deserve better than you.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Moving on
It's a new year and already have had so much happen....
this will be random and i will write what comes to mind as it comes to mind so bare with me. =]
"stupid girl, ive should have known, i should have known. im not a princess this aint a fairytale. im not the one youll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. this aint hollywood, this is a small town..."
Lost love:
Curtis and I once again broke up. But this was final. I wrote release the detail.. just yet lol but i was basically shuned out from his mom and that was the last straw. His mother means the most to him, and he will not marry a women his mother didn't like. (not like me, i know! i dont know what i did wrong, but oh well...) and thats when this huge feeling of moving on, breaking up, came over me. i went to my mom to find strength. she reminded me i am an AYALA and we are strong and NO BOY should ever hurt me this much. That love shouldnt be what we had. **I'm not placing all blame on him or anyone else** I said what i had to say, he didnt like it so i opened my front door.
i may have been the one to let go first, but i know im the one hurting the most. and that hurts more than anything i went through during the relationship.
He's done. hes made it clear to me, and others. and it sucks but i will not chase him. if he couldnt handle me, at my worst... he does not deserve me at my best...
" i was a dreamer before you went a let me down, now its too late for you and your white horse"
MY BEST:
i got a counselor/consultant. I do need help. im not some psycho suicudal person, but i do have issuses that need to be taken care of. Anjels passing flipped my world upside down, then it was shaken, then stomped on. then events throughout the year spilled alcohol on the cuts and things were non stop. i never had a chance to heal bc anytime i mentioned it... i had to stop. i should be over it. **Hes in a better place...** blah blah effin blah. i know that ive always knew that/ but that doesnt take away the pain. and im sick of hearing it. ill never be the same. when he left a peice of me went with him. everyone please realize that. But i will be happy again. i will be my best again.
MY FAMILY:
wow, if i felt that i wasnt ever blessed before i was blind and naive. i have such an amazing family. they may not be members but i was raised with such faith and spirituality and hope and love that i am so blessed. they have never left my side when i needed it. like now, wow. And my daddy. I have the best daddy in the world. he will and has done everything in his power to keep a smile on my face. to make sure his baby girl is happy. even kleeping hi mouth closed when his daughter was in love with someone who didnt deserve her. my mom having her shoulder ready for me when i wake up crying. and having the bat ready if she needed to kick butt =] even my nephew daniel reasurring me on the next lucky boy who gets to call me his girlfriend.
FRIENDS:
it's amazing the people that come forth when you have a problem or are in a crisis and the people that dont. the ones that have shown me i mean something to you, thanks. to the rest, hope you have soeone in your life when your happy dandy life falls. no ones life is perfect and everyone will need someone at some point. dont forget to return the favor.
imma move on. with or without him. wether this wasnt our time or our love ran out. i am an AYALA and this will not break me. im going for a ride... things will change for me and my future...and some MAN will appreciate the crap ive gone through and love me for it. and he will be the lucky one to have me at my best.
"im not your princess this aint our fairytale, im gonna find someone someday that might actually treat me well... now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now."
this will be random and i will write what comes to mind as it comes to mind so bare with me. =]
"stupid girl, ive should have known, i should have known. im not a princess this aint a fairytale. im not the one youll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. this aint hollywood, this is a small town..."
Lost love:
Curtis and I once again broke up. But this was final. I wrote release the detail.. just yet lol but i was basically shuned out from his mom and that was the last straw. His mother means the most to him, and he will not marry a women his mother didn't like. (not like me, i know! i dont know what i did wrong, but oh well...) and thats when this huge feeling of moving on, breaking up, came over me. i went to my mom to find strength. she reminded me i am an AYALA and we are strong and NO BOY should ever hurt me this much. That love shouldnt be what we had. **I'm not placing all blame on him or anyone else** I said what i had to say, he didnt like it so i opened my front door.
i may have been the one to let go first, but i know im the one hurting the most. and that hurts more than anything i went through during the relationship.
He's done. hes made it clear to me, and others. and it sucks but i will not chase him. if he couldnt handle me, at my worst... he does not deserve me at my best...
" i was a dreamer before you went a let me down, now its too late for you and your white horse"
MY BEST:
i got a counselor/consultant. I do need help. im not some psycho suicudal person, but i do have issuses that need to be taken care of. Anjels passing flipped my world upside down, then it was shaken, then stomped on. then events throughout the year spilled alcohol on the cuts and things were non stop. i never had a chance to heal bc anytime i mentioned it... i had to stop. i should be over it. **Hes in a better place...** blah blah effin blah. i know that ive always knew that/ but that doesnt take away the pain. and im sick of hearing it. ill never be the same. when he left a peice of me went with him. everyone please realize that. But i will be happy again. i will be my best again.
MY FAMILY:
wow, if i felt that i wasnt ever blessed before i was blind and naive. i have such an amazing family. they may not be members but i was raised with such faith and spirituality and hope and love that i am so blessed. they have never left my side when i needed it. like now, wow. And my daddy. I have the best daddy in the world. he will and has done everything in his power to keep a smile on my face. to make sure his baby girl is happy. even kleeping hi mouth closed when his daughter was in love with someone who didnt deserve her. my mom having her shoulder ready for me when i wake up crying. and having the bat ready if she needed to kick butt =] even my nephew daniel reasurring me on the next lucky boy who gets to call me his girlfriend.
FRIENDS:
it's amazing the people that come forth when you have a problem or are in a crisis and the people that dont. the ones that have shown me i mean something to you, thanks. to the rest, hope you have soeone in your life when your happy dandy life falls. no ones life is perfect and everyone will need someone at some point. dont forget to return the favor.
imma move on. with or without him. wether this wasnt our time or our love ran out. i am an AYALA and this will not break me. im going for a ride... things will change for me and my future...and some MAN will appreciate the crap ive gone through and love me for it. and he will be the lucky one to have me at my best.
"im not your princess this aint our fairytale, im gonna find someone someday that might actually treat me well... now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now."
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