100

so, im 7 lbs away from losing 100 lbs. wow. i never in my life thought i could lose that much weight and i've done it in under a year. i started weighing myself in feb when i got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. i knew i needed to lose weight, but also knew even if i lost weight the diabetes would still be there, rather with type 2 it can be under control. alsmot like its gone.





this was me January 23, 2009. i look disgusting. i never saw myself this big. ugh look at my back and my huge arms and ew ew ew.
this is me October 17, 2009 ranted i still thin k i look huge, im no way as huge as the first picture.


i know i should be proud of the weight ive lost but you see those commercials were ppl have lost like 40 lbs and look way thinner than i do losing at this moment 93 lbs.


well i needed to update and i have more to say but im sleepy. good night.

Bumps in the road..

Last night we (Curtis and I, and yes, we are back together) had our first "bump" It wasn't huge to me but he made a huge deal out of it which took alot out of me. I dont understand him..well, ALOT of the time. If something happens in a different way than he would have liked it to he gets upset over it. Yet, when i have my moments i should just roll with the punches? I love him so much, which is the mean reason i deal with it and well, mainly becasue i have no idea how to handle it any other way. We said communication was going to be the thing we needed to work on the most, yet thats what he already forgot to do. I dont think he think im really understanding.
JUST LET ME KNOW!! COMMUNICATE with me, and all will be well.
**granted i still may be a lil upset, but not as much as i would be if i wasn't in the loop**

I think i may need one of these so he will understand.

im a literal person alot of the time, yes i do know when someone is joking. But Ive always been told A man's word, is his Honor. If you tell me your going to be some place, or meet me, or whatever it is... i'm going to believe you and im going to then EXPECT you to do so. Expectations... hmm. Maybe if i stop expecting...ill stop being diapointed.

The whole thing started bc he said he was going to eat then head right over to my house. ok 30mins later..nothing. 45 mins later.. nothing. 1 hr later...nothing. almost an hr and a half later he shows up. and yes im upset. He then tellsme he needed some "me" time. that he talked to his dad... ok if he would have COMMUNICATED that stuff with me i wouldnt have been upset and would have known to not expect him so soon. But he doesnt understand that. My time seems to not matter.

Maybe he doesnt understand its a respect thing. But to me it is. He doesnt respect me and my time enough to do what he says hes gonna do it. This has been a battle our entire relationship and nothing has changed s now, yes it is respect. He doesnt respect me nough to change it.

EVERYTIME i meet him, or pick him up i am right on time if not early. Why, because i respect him. Being late to me...(depending on situation) is rude. Certain things have leeway (sp). Some things..it doesnt matter if your late. And really its not a late issue with us (at times) its just dont tell me your gonna do something then change it and expect me to be ok with it...ok now im just complaining. or venting... Isnt that the same thing sometimes. hahaha

Ok on to better things like NEW MOON. Holy Heck i am so excited for it to come out! The movie trailors look amazing. I wanna make shirts for the premiere... whos in?

Well i did it

I broke it off. I honestly, truly felt i had no other choice. I could have waited, but i have been. It could have been just a break. But i would still be waiting, but no interaction with him. I dont love him any less. I am still so in love. Its just not fair. You can think what you want... that im not being fair, that i should just have patience and wait. but why? You can say oh if i really loved him i would wait. But i can say the opposite. If he really loved me he wouldnt make me wait.

Do i hate myself for making that decision, no. Do i regret the decision, not yet. Am i afraid he won't come back, more than anything. BUT i'd rather do this now, than 6 more months from now and still be waiting, wishing, hoping. I wish i knew why he wanted to wait. Why he isn't ready. The only things i can think of is that im not enough. no good enough. not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not spiritual enough. Oh i can go on and on. Why? Becasue he hasn't given me a reason.

I want him to realize what he had and what he lost. I wish he would have come back right away. I wish he would have fought harder. Wanted me more. Ugh i just want to break down. i wanna call him. I want him back, but i cant have things go back to the way they were. I need and deserve more.


Im not in anyway putting him down. He is such an amazing person. So kind hearted and caring. So loving and true. He was an amazing boyfriend. But thats the thing... we were...ARE so in love. We want so much form each other.. so why wait. Why postpone happiness? Why postpone being with the person you love. He knew i was the one. I know hes the one. Why wait. idk. only he does i guess.

I love him i need him but im not going to wait forever.

Time for something new.

I need something to do with my time now. Even though i have so much going on i need to fill all of my time. i have so much i need to say. and so much to vent and i think this is the perfect way to do so. i'm still trying to figure all of this out and i dont even know if this is going to show up!





Today wasn't a good day, even though it should have been since i had a day off of work. My relationship with Curtis is so hard. Some times i dont know why im still holding on. I used to think Love solved so much but now, i dont know. I love him, i'm head over heels in love with him. I want to make him so happy and do all i can for him at every chance. But i need more. i deserve more. And when i question why im not getting it, i get the run around.

I want to spend eternity with him. but my fault for that, is that i want it now.. and he doesn't. He thinks we should wait. He never gave me a vaild reasoning as to why...even though we both recieved our confirmations... well he says he has. but i honestly think if he did, he wouldn't want to wait. i don't know what to do anymore...im so so confused.