A NEW LiFE

Job:
Still loving the job. I am used to it. It's my second home. My heart is in it now. I love what it does for the community and for the kids/adults that come through. The staff is amazing and is more of a family than co-workers. It's fun and i actually want to go to work.... yeah thats NEVER happened before haha.

Family:
DANIEL IS HOME! I am so happy about that. My heart is more complete. After losing Anjel and Daniel going to TYC it's like our family just went disapeared. So having him back is amazing. But it's also so very scary. I don't want him to go back to his lame friends. He's such a great kid, but way to impressionable. I pray Heavenly Father will continue to take hold in his life. Ugh, i am just so happy he is home. =] My dad is still waiting for his disbilitiy. We don't want him to work. He's hurting way to much. Everything is working out well. We are blessed. Heavely Father is working his wonderful ways through our family and i am so grateful. My kiddos all are glad summer is here and all passed on to the next grades. Lassette is going to be going to Jr. High. UGH IM OLD... ((speaking of Daniel go his GED, So my Daniel boy is class of 2010 WHAT WHAT)). Joseph is getting so dang big and i love him so much. He's looking more and more like Anjel everyday!

Myself:
I've been good. LOVING my new car. It got us through the Midland flood to San Antonio. We saw a few pther mustangs floating and my baby drive right through it! So I told her i would take good care of her and keep her looking good and take her to her check ups! ha Speaking of check ups... I went to the Dr. HORRIBLE experiance. My diabetes has gotten worse. I've been passing out or just been feeling like crap lately. I know i need to take better care of myself and i will. I need to stop being so dang hard headed and realize i am cared for and people do want me around. Life has been good. Very good actually. There's this boy.

Love:
His name is Robbie. He has completely stolen my heart. He has shown me the meaning of what true love is. He has shown me how i should be treated. how i should be loved. That just because i may have been treated a certain way by worthless human beings before doesn't mean that's how every guy is going to treat me, how i am supposed to be treated. He tells me he won't let me go because he knows what he has and that he can't beleive other guys were so stupid to let me go. The way he looks into my eyes. He sends me flowers! ha... the last one for sure didn't. He truly is my PRINCE. Everything i could ever ask for. I lowered my standards before. i setteled. I just wanted whatever i could get. I kept telling myself the fighting was ok, that once we got married it would all stop. That's when i thank Heavenly Father for Him NOT answering my prayers.

I have the man of my dreams. I am so in love.

Everything is truly falling into place.

Light

Another update.. i wonder if y'all actually read this. but it gives me something to do. so i welcome nosiness =]

WORK:
Still loving this job. More responsibilites have come, of course. But nothing i can't handle =] The people here are fun and i just love ow laid back it is. im on my thrid week here and ive never felt like the newbie. I was welcomed right off the bat. i was never nervous...that has to be a good sign right?

HOME/FAMILY:
Everything is great at home. We didn't get Jospeh much this past week. My aunt Josie came down and she got my uncle Leroy. It was nice having them for the few days. My dad has been having alot of knee problems but actually has been going to the doctor, but that scares me.. if he's actually going to the doctor.. it must be a pretty bad pain =[. Hopefully the pills he has now will help. This weekend my mom and neice and myself went shopping...at the mall. Yeah my mom doesnt do the mall so that was fun. i got the cutest heels.. I will premiere them Sunday =] I love my family and how they love me.

FRIENDS:
I got the BEST complimet ever. Chris and Aroyn come by my work to pick up some things and he said Crystal, I haven't seen you in awhile, but you have a brighter light, you seem more happy." Um hello.. best ever. That almost made me cry and put this huge smile on my face. For someone to notice that wow.. I didnt know my light was dim...But im glad its brighter and i want to continue to make it better. Friends are amazing. I went to Brittneys shower and that was so much fun. The girls are crazy and i had a blast.

SELF:
I'm constantly finding things out about myself.. Good and bad. It's like i fix or start working on one thing and out pops another. But thats okay. i need to become to person i want to be. I do need to fix myself and love myself. The saying..you cant love someone else if you dont love yourself first.. as hard as it is for me to say.. its true. Like Bro. Russell said on sunday, love others as you love yourself.. but what if i dont have much love for myself so how can i love someone else more? You cant. I love everyone. But am i truly loving them as much as i can/could? I need to stop focusing on the bad, and honestly i think i have gotten better. I smile so much more. I get excited just because. I love life now and i havent in awhile. Heavenly Father made me. How can something he made..be so bad? He didn't make a mistake with me, I'm being crafted to be the best me. Im finally letting HIM do the work and not trying to be superwoman.

CHURCH:
HA, i'm going! No but really, I've always gone to sacrament meeting... and when i got my calling in primary i went bc.. i HAD to ;) but once i was released.. i always skipped out on sunday school, and sometimes Relief society.. But i've been going! And i've learned so much. I am truly seeing the blessings of going. ITs so amazing. And Institute... Ive been going to that also.. by myself. Before it was a social thing but now its not and im actually learning stuff. I love it =] Now to work on going to FHE, and some other personal things... and it'll be all good ;)

Things overall are looking up and im moving forward. I have no complaints right now. Im excited for my future =]

UPDATE!

Well, I GOT A JOB, and i freakin' LOVE it!
The people are amazing, fun, nice, and so laid back.
Thanks Kenzi for putting in the good words =] I owe ya one.

I work at the Palmer Drug Abuse Program or PDAP for short. They do amazing things. I am super interested in becoming an EYL (Extreme Youth Leadership)Lets see... I do all the up front stuff, answer phones, do the mail, organize community service, register people for classes, take care of the contributions made to the program, etc. I'm sure my duties will expand the longer i'm here! I am perfectly okay with that! The pay is better than what i was getting a Dr. Gadasalli's office which is good, but lame b/c i went to college to do what i did at the Doc's office, yet got paid less than i do working in an office atmosphere. After my 90 days, my pay will increase!! Which is always good right?!?! hahaha

Friends, I always knew i had awesome friends, but wow. I may not have alot of close friends, but the ones i do have are amazing and bless my life so much. Seriously. I'm so lucky to have them. I know I'll always have a shoulder to cry on, someone to shop with, someone to talk to, someone to do anything i want or need to do with. Not jsut hey lets hang out.. heck i have tons of those "friends" but people that truly care for ME and MY happiness, not what they can get from me to make them happy. So to those people...thank you and i love you.

My parents.. Just thinking of them puts that i wanna cry feeling in my throat. They go above and beyond to make me happy. It saddeness me that i never really realized how much they do care, and love me. I mean of course... im 24 still living at home with them things get crazy and we all need some space lol but they NEVER stopped nor will stop loving for me and ONLY wanting the best. As long as i am happy..thats all that matters. They dont tell me who i can or cant be with, hang out with... what i can or cant do. They raised me, and instilled good morals, they raised me in a strong faith of the Lord and have never discouraged my new faith. They continue to see the change that it is making. To see them take care of their grandchildren when many grandparents wouldnt do so is inspiring. They arent perfect by any means but they are amazing and loving and UNDERSTANDING, and i truly could not ask for more.

Guys- im not looking for anything serious but would like to find someone to have fun with and i think the guy that im "talking" to now is perfect for that.

The counseling im getting is wonderful. He says sometimes that im moving passed things TOO quickly, but i just noticed how bad i became and realized how i completely changed and wanted to be myself again. I dont think im moving to fast, just ready for the next challenge. I keep telling my family and ppl ive hurt that i want to show them the real me, but i need to be me first. And thats the hardest part. I dont know what that is anymore. after high school family drama doubled, then tripled, and its like every year got worse and worse and i become so involved in what they needed and how as a family to get better and then turning all the attention to Anjel, to losing Anjel...ugh Crystal left and got lost. I dont regret turning all my attention to my family, i dont regret giving up scholarships, or going to UT, i honestly dont, if at all, i regret not spending every single day i had with Anjel. But with that, He is gone and i cant do anything else. I cant replace him, I cant fill that whole. it left when he did but i can make sure everything else is full.

My self worth issues.. oh goodness, i think this will be the biggest issue. i cant take a compliment. its ard to be excited about losing the weight i have lost, bc im still not those pretty size 2 girls. but the thing is.. ill NEVER want to be that small. And its hard to take compliments and be happy when i still hear how PRETTY i am when i hear my friends being called BEAUTIFUL. like no matter what ill never be the beautiful girl, just the pretty one. When shopping.. do i go to the plus size or the "skinny" side. and when i go to the skinny side i still have to get the L or XL to sometimes have it not fit then tread to the "big" side to have the smallest size be too big. Then looking in the mirror and still seeing the 300lb girl then having to do double take in recent pictures or being so surprised when i look at old ones and see how big i really was.

overall, i am HAPPY. and nothing or anyone is making me happy. im just happy. and i havent been this type of happy in a very very long time. Heavenly Father's love is just so amazing and when you truly believe HE loves you so much, you do feel it.

I want to say thank you to people that are happy for me. That have prayed for me, listened to me, and that love me.

I only need people that need me. If that's not you, then dont bother with me. If you want me as a friend then care and be a friend. Want the best for me, like i want the best for you.

You're to pretty..

for him, anyway.





I think i've heard that a million times since the break up. But i have no idea how to take that..



Thanks?

Oh, I know?

Why wasn't that said WHILE i was with him?

No i'm not.

E tc.



This whole thing has been a roller coaster. Most days i feel more free to be me, not some version a guy wants me to be. but those other days... i think of how i couldve been different, and that maybe, i'd still be with him.



I am very blessed at the support i have. Kind've surprised, but then not surprised at all. Having amazing wonderful spiritual people tell me i can and will do so much better is uplifting.

I HAVE to put the past out of my head. The furture is mine and i have to take advantage of that. Obstacles will always be placed in fromt of me. I've survived this long why let go now.

This are falling into place, of course, more slowly than i'd like, but they are falling into place. Things will be amazing. And all of you who have continued to stick by me while be on top with me.

To those who doubt, and to those that have left me... i'll wave down from the top =]

PUSH

i think i've hit a small bump. as i started cleanign my room so many memories have come back. all memories. seeing how happy i was in high school. how many amazing friends i had. seeing random pictures of people i am now closer to than before. and even how much different i look now.

then taking pictures down from my walls. changing out pictures in those frames.

its time to move on from everything. i am a new person. sometimes memories hold us back. and i need to shed those things.

i know im going to be strong. im going to be fine. dont worry about this heart of mine.

and its amazing how music helps us. i dont think ive turned my tv on in a week...





i just need help. i need time. i have to let go! Heavenly Father will guide me. i need to stop guiding myself.

=[

my heart hurts. please make it stop.

Marilyn Monroe

* It's better to be unhappy alone, than unhappy with someone else.

* I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. * MY LIFE QUOTE*

* I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

*Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

*When it comes down to it, i let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what i do, then i'm already better than them.

*Beneath the makeup, and behind the smile, i am just a girl that wishes for the world.

*Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.




oh this women was a genius lol.